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Ups, Downs, Sparks, and Plenty of Awkwardness
My life has been about playing small and hiding in the corner. Having a website was never part of the plan, and definitely not a website with my name and photos. My journey started with a simple desire to make money online and took me down so many dark, creepy alleys that I still feel a bit dirty.
I originally started this page because, after years of searching, I found an azmazing online group and thought that I finally cracked the non-sleazy code of making money online. And I did…. kind of.
What was missing from the puzzle was ME. I was absolutely stuck in life and stagnant in personal growth. I tried my darndest to put the cart before the horse and have my online breakthrough not realizing that diddly piddly would happen until I did the necessary work on me.
I was too scared to use my own voice, and lacked too much confidence to do anything but follow somebody else’s steps. I thought my job was to learn the software and the methods. Nope.
My job was to grow. To learn about me. And to finally show up.
Pretty much since day one, I have been incredibly awkward, painfully shy, socially anxious, a tireless overthinker and general scaredy cat.
In 1999 I got the great idea to throw myself into another country and travel alone in the hopes that I would overcome all of the above.
It didn’t work (shocker!), but I did fall in love with the culure and lifestyle in Mexico and so decided to become awkward in a new language. ¿Comó se dice no smalltalk please?
I guess you could say that I’m a rather late bloomer, because it wasn’t until I was 43 that I had my first baby, followed by a second at 45.
The medical term for this would be “geriatric pregnancy” which always makes me feel awesome. (As my son would say “When you say ‘awesome’ you really mean ‘not awesome’,¨because in our home we speak English, Spanish, and Sarcasm.)
I certainly don’t think of myself as any kind of expert, but while I struggled through so much over the years (pretty severe depression, anxiety, zero self-worth, lack of direction, no money, daily emotional abuse… sadly, this list could go on for a while), I always fixated on finding my way out and helping others who feel alone or hopeless with similar struggles.
When you are stuck, even beleiving that you can become unstuck takes a leap of faith that is not for the timid. When I started this page, I didn’t even see how stuck I was or have a clue as to why. The unfolding of my why and then facing my situation head on was yet another battle. Phase two of this site was me pretending that I had already come through the other side. Talk about being unauthentic. That’ll sap your soul to blackness in no time.
So that brings us up to phases three, the current phasee of this blog and website. The journey out of stuck. The journey to my personal best, to freedom, to growth and passion and giddy soul-sparks.
Obviously, a big focus for me is sharing with others how to create an online business because there is so much power and freedom once you can do that. Of course, you can’t be a hot mess and expect success, so you do need to work on the mental and emotional side of you first. And so, here I am. Here we are. Messy, stuck, hopeful even when we can’t feel hope, and ready to set our hearts and souls sparkling.
My kids say that I’m pretty smart and they both think that I give solid advice.
Since I always trust what young kids say, I took the leap to awkwardly put myself waaaay out there and share what I can just in case you may be someone who could use a gentle nudge, a push, or a full on shove.
So, here I am. Here you are. And here we go!
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