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So here’s the big question to myself today: Am I fine? Not long ago, someone pointed out that that, when talking about difficult things, I have the tendency immediately laugh. To try to make it seem like it’s funny. Kind of why I am writing now instead of videos because, I could be in absolute pain, but there I am smiling and laughing it off. It’s a bit easier to avoid it while writing. A bit…. I just glanced back at an earlier post where I spill some heavy shit and immediately say, “but don’t worry I’m fine.” Gah! I’m fine! It’s fine! Everything’s fine!
Am I fine? I don’t know. I don’t know. What is fine? Holding on by a thread? Having many more impossible, painful, and I can’t do it moments than “I got this” moments?
Today, I’m just exhausted with trying to get all the momentum going for everything online and not seeing anything to even spark the idea that I have finally gotten somewhere. I’m exhausted with trying to give myself the talks and to believe and believe and believe. I am feeling like I have nothing to offer, feeling like who am I to put all of these programs out there and really believe in them but not have my own success story from them.
But I see that, by going through the programs, by checking them out and understanding what they can do, I did get what I needed from them. They were exactly what I needed to take steps to get me sniffing out the path of where I truly want to be. Many of them, I can bet that I will circle around to again when they are ready to snap into my puzzle. For now, they were stepping stones to get me to other places. Well, look at that- I’m making myself feel better already. Is that fine? am I supposed to sit with the pain or am I supposed to make myself feel better because I really do believe what I just said.
So….what am I? I can’t find the word. Am I scared? Am I lost? Overwhelmed? Looking up right now, I am in this tiny uninhabitable space. I can guarantee you that if this house was in the US it would be condemned. I hold back from details…feel like maybe I should take pictures but I don’t think I’m brave enough to show them. I don’t know. We have windows that do not close. We have one where there’s actually no window because it fell in during the last hurricane there’s just no window. There’s kind of sort of a screen but it’s all bent and there are holes in it so our house is filled with mosquitoes constantly. The windows in the bedroom are all cracked and if someone breathes too hard they’re all just gonna crumble down. The ceiling and walls are constantly crumbling down and there’s the extreme and real danger that a big chunk of the ceiling will fall in and possibly kill or severely injure somebody because the whole front part of the ceiling did fall in Thank God no person or no dog was in the area because it would have been certain death that’s how much of the concrete fell– I mean the whole roof fell in there was no roof left in that section.
I could go on and on and on and on and on and on but could also simply leave it at “uninhabitable.” It is not OK to be in here and then put on top of that that it’s just so ridiculously tiny it’s not even big enough for one person and we are a family of 4 living in here. My kids don’t know what it is to have their own space. They don’t know what it is to just be able to sit by themselves and play. This is my pain.
To see my kids struggle. To see them hurt over and over by their father. He breaks 100% of his promises to them and then gets angry at them for showing that they are hurt. Or worse, he gaslights them. Gaslights children. To hear and see the pain that comes from Nico–deeper than you have ever heard tears come from a child– it is unbearable. No matter how many times I discuss with him that his daddy is an unsafe person and you cannot have expectations, you cannot have hope, you cannot expect anything good from him and even if something does seem good just keep your eyes open because it’s not about you it’s about him– no matter how many times we go over this it’s not going to stop him for looking for love ,for believing the promises, for getting hurt when he’s attacked for just being him and asking if his daddy’s gonna follow through on the promise that he made to him. To hear the tears come from so deep. Am I OK? That’s the question.
I fight every second of the day to see and believe in our happy life. I get all kinds of aggressive with the meditations and doing the visualizations and doing the manifesting and doing it all. I am aware that over two decades of mindfuckery and stress and struggle have created thought patterns that are a bitch to change.
I try so damn hard to have my kids believe in infinite possibilities. I try so flipping hard to walk the walk but I am a mess and have hurt them so much. The other night I was getting ready for bed and I got lost in thinking about an incident that really hurt me and angers me and while I was deep in the feeling of it, Luna asked me for water and I attacked her. I attacked her and shamed her because she asked me for water- because I was in such a bad place mentally when that favor came up that I attacked her for wanting some water. Does my apology help at all?
Shall I go on? There was a time that I didn’t have a dime and I had a migraine for days. Mister finally coughed up a bit of money and I bought some medicine but didn’t want to “waste it” and so waited until I just couldn’t wait any more. It was in a different container than normal and had a spongy thing on top of the pills. So, I go to take a pill and Nico had filled the bottle with water not knowing that the medicine was still in there. I screamed at him so hard that I lost my voice. Let me say that again. I screamed at him so hard that I lost my voice. I didn’t even take the time to look at who he is that he would never do anything bad on purpose. He made a mistake. Do you know that my son now has post-traumatic stress? If he drops something or has any kind of accident do you know that he pretty much hits the ground and covers his face and ears and cries out “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”
Am I ok? I’m living with all of this, with all of the pain that I am causing my kids, the hurt I can’t protect them from, seeing the lack of normalcy. Am I doing my best? I really am. But I don’t know if that makes things ok.