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I’m here to bare my soul a wee bit. (a painfully lot, actually but it stops me from vomiting if I say a wee bit).
I have been on one hell of a journey this past year. The latest part of the journey is realizing that I cannot do even a tiny bit of what I want to do if I can’t be authentic. And I’ve got a couple of decades of hiding behind some really thick, protective walls.
I have been so uncomfortable with myself, my life, my pain, my truth, that I turned into Generic Mary to get through my days. Generic Mary sucks. She is socially isolated, avoids clinical depression by simply not feeling sadness, hasn’t shed a tear in over 20 years, doesn’t sparkle or look forward to anything in the future.
Generic Mary dresses like shit, hasn’t had a professional haircut in a decade, always keeps a safe distance from you (nothing to do with Covid), puts on a smile and raises her hand to say “hi, I’m good, thank you.”
Walls, ya’ll. I’ve built all kinds of walls.
A good 90% of my tales will most likely stay inside of me as there really is no point in sharing it all. I realized today, that these stories are shared through looks. Many of us have battles, stresses, tales of horror that we have lived and we SEE each other and share our stories through a look or a light touch on the shoulder. We know that it is impossible to ever share it all or even have someone grasp the extent of the pain. And that’s ok.
But I would like to give myself permission to not always smile and politely say “good!” when asked how things are.
I should jump in here to say that I am good. In hell, but good. How can that be? I work damn hard every second of every day to be a flipping mental warrior. I have worked like crazy this past year to put things in motion, now with two online businesses. I feel in my heart that I am at the point of my journey where that snowball is finally forming and beautiful momentum will start.
My biggest breakthrough in the whole online business mess (oh, it’s a mess out there) is seeing that by leading with desperation (make money NOW!), you get nowhere. Well, that’s not true for everyone. Many people make boatloads of money online through desperation.
Not idealists though and holy hell am I an idealist. My biggest strength, my biggest weakness. I swear I feel physical pain when people don’t lead with values and kindness. This is still the hardest part for me of being online. I’ve ordered a pair of blinders, hopefully that will help.
So, the breakthrough. When I tried to force success, I was nowhere present. Me, Mary. I wasn’t there. I was following a whole list of “shoulds” and putting on the face of who I thought I was supposed to be. When you are already behind walls, and then try this horse-pooey, it is a recipe for failure.
I had to force myself to take steps forward. I was foggy. Exhausted. And just going in endless circles.
I thought that the most important part of creating a successful online business was learning software, techniques, processes. Nope. That’s like 10% of it. It is all about learning who you are and finding the gumption to put THAT out there and build your business around it.
But here’s the rub. I get that. Yet I was still envisioning my future self bravely putting herself out there to talk openly about her past mess. I kept waiting for that future me. And yet, here I am eyeball deep in a huge, scary mess.
I have been amazingly great at justifying why the mess should stay tucked away and all hush-hush. And the universe has upped its game to toss messages at me every day that it is fricking time to figure out a way to voice this shit.
Oh. I said “figure out a way”. Ah-ha. That is called putting up a roadblock aka a lovely excuse to not take action. “Oh yes, it is important to get this out. Let me just sit on it for a few years while I map out the perfect plan to do so..” After all, you can’t move forward if you don’t have a plan, right??
Bah! No plan! No plan! Here’s what I know. Yes, you do need goals. BUT that goal does not have to have a carefully detailed step-by-step plan mapped out before you move forward. You need to know the goal and just flipping dive in with messy action.
Probably years down the road, you’ll shudder at the silly action you took. But you’ll also realize that that action is exactly what opened up unknown, unimagined doors for you.
And brought you to your goal even though your goal ended up looking nothing like what you thought it was.
Action. Messy, embarrassing action.
How do I release over 2 decades of hell? Why should I? What the hell is my reason to even put this out there? No idea. Really NO IDEA. But my soul has made it pretty damn clear that this is something I need to do.
And so, here I go.